Friday, January 29, 2010!

That's it! Good MornNight!!! It is 2:32 AM so although I should be saying Good Night to most people, technically it is Good Morning! I have been staying up ENTIRELY too late the past few nights. I have always been a night person but this week I have taken it even further. The main reason is because I have been staying up and playing the New Mario Brothers on the Wii~lame~I know. It is a great game though and it has elements of all the past Mario Brothers from older consoles added into this one game. I have really enjoyed it AND Ben and I have been enjoying doing something together. You see, most of the time, Ben is in the living room watching tv or playing xbox and I am in the bedroom on the computer, watching tv, or snuggling with Olivia. Olivia tends to go back and forth between the both of us. So this week Ben and I have joined forces and have been spending time in the same room! What?!?! I know~shocking!

You see, in the beginning of our marriage, almost 4 years ago, I didn't think there was anything strange about the fact that we had this "set-up" I ended up pregnant after 6 weeks of marriage, so alot of the time I was napping or propping my feet up and wanted to do it in my own bed, watching what I wanted to be watching. I also went to bed earlier in those days so it just worked out better for us. After Olivia was born, I tended to stay back in the bedroom because she was very colicky and I didn't want her crying to bother Ben. He went to work all day everyday so I didn't want him to have to come home to a screaming baby. As Olivia got older, she would watch cartoons on our bedroom TV and I would stay back here with her. We never made it a priority to change our now formed habit. We didn't think anything of it anyway.

the moment I was "given" to Ben by my family
March 18, 2006

My mom was the one who pointed out that it was weird for us, as newlyweds, to spend so much time apart. I would laugh it off and just say that it worked for us. And it did. At first. Even now, it is not so much that it is not working for us but rather than we have developed separate lives. Sure we live in the same house, go to the same church, sleep in the same bed, but that is about it. We are cordial to one another and try to keep up with what is going on with each other, but we aren't really interacting with each other. I don't think I know anymore about what is going on with my husband than I do what is going on with my friends.

The happiest day of my life
March 18, 2006

It could work for us~we could continue on this way and probably be just fine. But I do not want just a "fine" marriage and relationship with the man that God has put in my life to share it with. God intended for us to know each other intimately~in more ways just one. God designed marriage for 2 to become 1. I want that in my marriage. I want Olivia to grow up knowing what that looks like. I do not want seeing her mom and dad hug and kiss each other to be the exception instead of the rule. I want to change this now.

I believe that God has started showing me this because He wants me to address it. God wants more for Ben and I's marriage than what it is currently. There is SO much more to marriage than what we are experiencing. There are levels of knowing one another that we aren't even close to understand just yet.

Neither Ben nor myself had the perfect picture of what marriage is supposed to look like shown to us by our parents. Ben's parents divorced when he was in junior high and although my parents are still together for over 35 years, they definately have had their share of ups and downs. I do not want to look back in 35 years and regret what we have taught to our children regarding marriage. I want to show my kids what a God-centered, love giving, affection showing marriage looks like. My marriage should come FIRST after God and before anything else. And let's just tell it like it is~right now it is not coming first.

Very proud to call him "husband"
March 18, 2006

I write all this as a first step. I am committing right now to pursuing a more Godly marriage. I vow to begin to take steps in making my marriage a priority in my life. I want to show Olivia what it means to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I ask God that right now you begin to start a new work in Ben and I. I surrender my time, thoughts, and intentions to You and ask that You direct them as You see fit. Show me the choices to make in order to start this process. Stir me on, pour me out. I want Ben to know without a shadow of a doubt that his wife loves and adores him. I want his home to be a safe haven for him and not somewhere that he dreads coming home to. I want to be the kind of wife that he dreams of having. I want to be for Ben what he needs. I love Ben and I am so thankful for the gift I have been given in him. Lord, do not let me ever take him or our relationship for granted again.

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