Monday, October 26, 2009

Forgotten blog? Not Really!

Wow~the last post was in May! Seriously!?!?! Now it is almost November! Where has the time gone? I have thought about posting ALOT~but just wasn't ready to put the words out there.

Olivia and Mommy at the Old Mill

The beginning of summer was great. Lots of swimming, parks, walks, etc.

We continued on the trying to conceive road and on August 15th I got a positive test!! YIPPEE!! We were ecstatic. Some family members were a lil concerned over the timing but warmed up to the idea of a new baby very quickly. Like always I took HPT's ALOT!! I just loved seeing the 2 lines. But on Wednesday, August 19th the 2 lines were not there anymore. Maybe it's the test I thought~although deep down I knew. I knew it was over. By that evening I was having cramping and by Thursday morning I was spotting and it was determined that I had miscarried. They called it a chemical pregnancy. Basically a very early miscarriage. They said it happens to ALOT more women than you realize. They say some women don't even realize that they have been pregnant because you end up starting your period and you just think that you are "late". Don't worry they said~it is very common and you can try again immediately. Right~don't worry.

I don't care how early you are in a pregnancy when you lose a baby~you still LOST YOUR BABY! I consider a baby to be a baby the MINUTE the egg and sperm meet and do their thing. I was already sick, already having food aversions, already tired~no I wasn't showing, I couldn't feel the baby but I still had a baby growing inside of me. Although I only knew for 5 days that I was pregnant it didn't matter~this baby was still wanted and still grieved.
My beautiful Olivia

I know that God has a plan. HIS ways are higher than our ways. I spent one day in bed~lights off~grieving~but then I had to move on. NO I will NEVER forget August 20, 2009. I will always always love the child I lost. I will always be confused and wonder why~ But I know that MY God is not a God of confusion. HE has a plan for our lives. HE knows when is the perfect time for me to carry a child to term. Yes it is sooo hard to know that in April 2010 I won't be 9 months pregnant, huge, swollen, miserable, etc but that is ok. I trust HIM.

As it turns out I ended up having to have my gallbladder removed on September 22. How is that for God knowing best. I had been dealing with gallbladder pain for a LONG time and finally went and requested an ultrasound for it. The doc said it was impressive how many stones I had. God knew that on August 20. He knew that I NEEDED to have that surgery. HIS ways are higher than ours.
My girl being just like her mommy!

It has now been 4 weeks since surgery. I am feeling great. They say that internal stitches can take up to 6 weeks to dissolve so although I wish I was already pregnant I know that it is better to wait a little while. I truly believe that if God's plan is for me to be pregnant then I will be pregnant. In HIS timing~not mine.

On another note~Olivia is growing up sooo fast. She will be 3 in January!!! Does not seem possible. She is such a joy in my life. When I look at her I thank God for giving her to me to care for. What an honor that He chose ME to be her mom. There are days that I am SURE that there are much better qualified moms out there but nonetheless~HE chose me. Thank you GOD!!!

Hope everyone is well~although I haven't written I have kept up with my blogroll~blog list~whatever DAILY. Each one of you is such an inspiration in a different way. I am so thankful that I found the blog world!!