Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Easter~catching up and reflecting


It's obvious I haven't been doing good with blogging. I absolutely love reading other peoples blogs but as far as updating my own~not so good at it. I haven't made it a habit or priority yet. When I was younger I kept journals all the time~blogging is very similar~just public. I do so much better with writing how I am feeling rather than talking to someone about it. I can listen to you talk all day but when it comes to being open about "real" issues with me I clam up and get embarrassed or ashamed or something. I didn't think I was that way or didn't notice it until more recently. Or maybe I just haven't found someone I feel I can be completely myself with. How sad!

I have been doing The Love Dare for my husband lately. He has no clue I am doing it so that makes it interesting. On some days I know he noticing "something" he just isn't sure what that "something" is! If you haven't seen the movie Fireproof and haven't checked out the book~you should!! It is very well done and is an amazing resource that God can use to bring you and your spouse closer. Even if you aren't haven't "problems" Ben and I aren't having serious problems at all. Just life gets in the way of our relationship and this has made me stop and think.

After having Olivia I struggled with my priorities. I put everything into caring for Olivia and neglected my relationship with Ben and even my relationship with God. It was like I was watching myself do it and couldn't or didn't know how to stop it. I lost my passion for the Lord and lost my passion for my marriage. It has been 2 years and I am still working on this. God has done so much in me the last few months though and I can see changes in myself. I have my passion back!! It is a daily choice that I am having to make~GOD FIRST, then my husband and then my children. THat is how HE intended it. Olivia will only be with us for so long and then she will move on with her life and have her own family. If I don't nurture my relationship with Ben NOW then when the kids are gone we won't even know each other. If we make this a priority now then maybe we can save ourselves some of the heartache that we have seen even our own parents go through.

We are still trying for #2 but I am trying to not allow that to be my primary focus. I KNOW that when it is GOD'S timing for us to have another baby then it will happen. Whether it be on it's own or if I will have to seek DR. advice. Right now God is telling me to focus on HIM and Ben. I need to get those relationships back in line before bringing another child into it. If I thought juggling one baby with other relationships was difficult then how much more difficult will it be to juggle 2 babies IF I don't have my priorites straight.

I am so excited for Easter this year. God has restored so much back to me and I am so grateful to Him for that. He is an amazing God and a faithful God and a merciful God and without HIM I am useless. HE has given me my giftings and my heart's desires and only in HIM will I find true happiness.

Olivia is at such a fun age right now. She is repeating EVERYTHING. Sometimes that is okay and sometimes it's not such a good thing :( She is talking soo much and putting together sentences left and right. She knows her ABC's, she can count to 13 all by herself, she loves to sing and dance, and she loves her MeeMaw and Pop (my mom and dad)~I am excited because we have 2 easter egg hunts scheduled for this week. One is with her playgroup at the park and then we have one after church on Sunday. This will be the first time she has done a "real" egg hunt. We played around in our house with it last year but she didn't really understand. I got her the cutest Easter basket and she has an adorable Easter dress that I cannot wait to post pictures of!! Here are a couple of her Easter pictures we had done at a friend's studio.

I am on an expressive worship team at church and we are doing 2 dances for our Sunday morning service. One of them is "Sing, Sing, Sing!" by Chris Tomlin who I LOVE and the other is "Who Is This King?" by Pocket Full of Rocks. The 2nd one I had the priviledge of choreographing. Let me just say, that is NOT my favorite thing to do. I am not very confident in my ability to come up with dance moves and I stress out way too much. Thank God I had a great friend, Laura, that has been coming over every week for the past 3 or 4 weeks and helping me!!! She has been a lifesaver!! Thank you Laura!!! We have one more practice on Saturday and hopefully we will be ready. The amazing thing about it is that no matter how prepared or un-prepared we as a dance team feel we are~God always shows up!! His annointing always pulls us through each dance. So even though I am scared to death that someone will not like what I came up with it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me because I don't do it for anyone else~I do it for my GOD! I am on an expressive worship team because I love to dance before the Lord. I can't stand still during praise and worship. I have to move in some way. He has done so much for me~He pulled me out of some BAD situations~He saved me from myself~the least I can do is worship Him with all that I am. I have been given the priviledge of expressive worship. I didn't grow up doing it. I grew up as a preacher's kid in the Presbyterian church. I still love the Presbyterian church and the services. BUT I am in a place in my life now that I know there is more to God than what I thought there was growing up. I have experienced a BIG GOD!! For that reason~my feet have to dance.

So if you think about it~say a prayer for the Deborah Company from Victory Fellowship in Bryant, Arkansas this week. Ask God to protect our bodies and to move through us as we dance on Easter. That the congregation will not see some girls doing a pretty dance but that they will see our amazing heavenly Father IN us as we move.



Anonymous said...

Love you!!! And I have been happy to help! I loved spending time with you and your family. Working on the dance was a bonus :)
I'm always praying for you and Ben and Olivia. <3

Erica said...

What cute Easter pictures!!! Saying a prayer for you. :)

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Wow - I so needed to read this tonight. It is hard to for me to admit this even to myself, but I have lost some of that passion for my husband, for my marriage, and just like you said, I feel like I'm standing back, watching it happen and not knowing quite what to do. But you have reminded me - it is a CHOICE. I know it's definitely not based on feelings, because those change - but I just want to get my priorities straight again. Thank you SO MUCH for this.