Camping, bestest friends, and kidney stones~wow!!

Once again I am playing catch up on this blog thing. I say I am going to try to do better and then I just don't. I am very disappointed that I have not made this more of a priority. As I have said before, I have absolutely no problems reading blogs. I read Kelly's blog on a daily basis~so why I can't take a minute to write on mine~I have no idea. Maybe I just don't want to "face" the things I am writing about?

I am getting very excited about this holiday weekend. Our family, along with 4 other families from our church, are headed to Lake Catherine in Hot Springs to spend the weekend camping. Now, I have been told that I camped with my parents when I was Olivia's age~age 2 or so~BUT I have no recollection of it so I am saying that this is my FIRST time to camp. I am sure Ben has camped before with friends, but I am not even sure about that. So this is our very first family camping trip. It has been a little tough trying to prepare for it. We had NOTHING!! We are borrowing a tent from my parents, borrowing a queen air mattress from my in-laws, and the rest we have had to buy the last couple of months. I didn't really purchase any big items for this trip~I did buy another queen air mattress because we are used to a California King for the 3 of us every night so I wasn't sure how the 3 of us would do on 1 queen. So more than likely Olivia and I will share one and then Ben will have his own. Where we are going doesn't have water or electricity so I did buy 2 battery operated fans for the tent at night. We are used to sleeping with an oscillating fan on us at night so I knew we would need one. We borrowed an ice chest to add to the one we already had. Then I just got the basic stuff for camping~matches, flashlights, rain ponchos, bungee cords, a tarp, first aid kit, etc. I went to the grocery store tonite and got the food. I have to admit that I was NOT looking forward to this AT ALL but had agreed to go because all my friends were going. My attitude has changed though~I really think we will have a great time and I am looking forward to getting away and spending some time relaxing, swimming, grilling, etc with great friends. I will definately have to update when we get back!!

A couple of weeks ago my best friend Stephanie, and her 10 year old daughter, Anna, came and spent the week with us unexpectedly. Steph's mom was in the hospital for a procedure and they found out some not so good news so she came to town to be with her mom. Anna stayed with me during the day. Anna is my FIRST baby girl. Before they moved to Tennessee I would keep Anna almost every weekend while her momma worked. She was a young, single mom and worked hard to provide for her and Anna. She did a great job and they have both turned into amazing people. Steph is now married and expecting another little girl, Sara Elizabeth, in early August. Anna is going to be a great big sister although it will take some getting used to that she is not the only child anymore. I thoroughly enjoyed them being here since I don't get to see them as often as I would like. We stayed up late and had girl talk just like we did in junior high. You see, Steph and I have been best friends since the 8th grade. We have been through SO MUCH together and I could not imagine having a better best friend. We have had our share of ups and downs but we always came out on top even better friends. I am so thankful for her friendship and for her allowing me to be such a big part of Anna's life. It has not been easy this past year for either of them because Steph's husband, Brian, is in Iraq. He won't be home until September AFTER the baby is born. :( It saddens me to think that he is going to miss out on the birth of his daughter. He has become such an amazing father to Anna and an amazing provider for Stephanie. While they were here we snuck over to the Old Mill to take some pics of each other. Neither one of us are great photographers so I think they turned out great!!!

I have been dealing with kidney stones alot lately. I recently had a trip to the ER and they did a CAT scan and found that I have alot of stones in both kidneys and a few are as big as 6mm! I was sent to a urologist after that ER visit and they did x-rays and another CAT scan and found that I indeed had alot in both kidneys. Alot meaning probably 10-15 in each kidney!! I am currently on a watch and see right now and supposed to be straining my urine to see if I can catch any stones that I pass so that they can be anazlyzed. The ones that are as big as 6mm cannot be passed on my own so I will have to probably have lithotripsy to break them up. I had lithotripsy done about 4 or 5 years ago and it did seemed to help. If that doesn't help then I will have to have a stint put in to help them pass~which I DO NOT want to do!!! So if you will keep me in your prayers. I am also having migraines alot more again. I am currently not on any preventative medicine so that may be why. I was recently on topomax to prevent them and although I didn't think it was helping~i may have been wrong because since going off of it they have gotten worse. I take imitrex and am having to take it WAY too often so I need to go back to the doc and see what I can do next.

I am still wanting another baby very badly but I know that I will know when it is God's timing. Up until recently I have wanted another baby but haven't felt peaceful about it. I think that is because so many of my relationships were out of wack. My marriage was on the back burner, my daughter was my very first priority, even after my relationship with God. I KNOW that is not how it is supposed to be and I KNOW that God has had me reevaluate alot lately. I had become very selfish and was focus more on ME and not on anything else. I didn't mean for it to be that way but unfortunately it had become my way of life. So I wanted a baby, and I wanted it in MY timing and I hadn't even stopped to consider if it was what the Lord wanted or even what Ben wanted. He said sure whatever but I knew that was just to keep the peace. I want a new baby to be OUR decision and for BEN to be just as thrilled as I would be. So the last couple of months I have really been trying to focus more on my relationship with my husband. He is a Godly man who wants the things of the Lord for our family so I want to encourage him in that. I should be thankful for him and for his heart for God and not irritated at the little things. I need to focus on what I can do for him instead of always focus on what he can do for me or what he ISN'T doing for me. He is a gift from God and I want him to know that I see him as such. I don't ever want to get to the place I was in again~taking my marriage for granted and taking his love for granted. My prayer is that God would continue to show me ways to improve our relationship and show me what I can do to make that happen.

This was Ben and I on our honeymoon in the Sandals Resort in Ocho Rios, Jamaica only 3 short years ago.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough~see if I didn't wait so long in between post then I wouldn't have so much to write all at once~I could just write it as it happens!!! :)

Jen

New Computer~Hooray!

So we have had 2 computers in the 3 years that we have been married. The first one was one that we inherited from my dad. It had been giving us a lot of problems and finally the hard drive just went out. :( So my good friend Adrianne was kind enough to let us borrow her old one. She had gotten a new one for Christmas so she let us borrow her old Dell. To put it nicely, it had problems. MAJOR problems. So Ben and I decided last week to bite the bullet and buy a new one. The way we had to do it through payroll deduction at where he works only sold Dells~which was just fine with me because I heart them! We just got it in today!!! It is a Dell Studio XPS. It has everything I could ever imagine. The thing I am most excited about its the webcam…I know so silly. But hey!! I have never had one. It has a great video card and we also got an extra battery to go on it. So needless to say we are both so excited!!!

This is my very first post on it and it has this feature that just saves my blog in one place and I can get to it very quickly so hopefully I will do better at updating!! We shall see.

Gotta run for now. We are having family night at church and making pizzas and I have a heath bar cake in the oven~hmm smells so yummy!!

I’ll leave you with a picture of what I am doing right now from my new WEBCAM!!! :)

This is the life!!!

Jen

Easter~catching up and reflecting

HAPPY EASTER!!

It's obvious I haven't been doing good with blogging. I absolutely love reading other peoples blogs but as far as updating my own~not so good at it. I haven't made it a habit or priority yet. When I was younger I kept journals all the time~blogging is very similar~just public. I do so much better with writing how I am feeling rather than talking to someone about it. I can listen to you talk all day but when it comes to being open about "real" issues with me I clam up and get embarrassed or ashamed or something. I didn't think I was that way or didn't notice it until more recently. Or maybe I just haven't found someone I feel I can be completely myself with. How sad!

I have been doing The Love Dare for my husband lately. He has no clue I am doing it so that makes it interesting. On some days I know he noticing "something" he just isn't sure what that "something" is! If you haven't seen the movie Fireproof and haven't checked out the book~you should!! It is very well done and is an amazing resource that God can use to bring you and your spouse closer. Even if you aren't haven't "problems" Ben and I aren't having serious problems at all. Just life gets in the way of our relationship and this has made me stop and think.

After having Olivia I struggled with my priorities. I put everything into caring for Olivia and neglected my relationship with Ben and even my relationship with God. It was like I was watching myself do it and couldn't or didn't know how to stop it. I lost my passion for the Lord and lost my passion for my marriage. It has been 2 years and I am still working on this. God has done so much in me the last few months though and I can see changes in myself. I have my passion back!! It is a daily choice that I am having to make~GOD FIRST, then my husband and then my children. THat is how HE intended it. Olivia will only be with us for so long and then she will move on with her life and have her own family. If I don't nurture my relationship with Ben NOW then when the kids are gone we won't even know each other. If we make this a priority now then maybe we can save ourselves some of the heartache that we have seen even our own parents go through.

We are still trying for #2 but I am trying to not allow that to be my primary focus. I KNOW that when it is GOD'S timing for us to have another baby then it will happen. Whether it be on it's own or if I will have to seek DR. advice. Right now God is telling me to focus on HIM and Ben. I need to get those relationships back in line before bringing another child into it. If I thought juggling one baby with other relationships was difficult then how much more difficult will it be to juggle 2 babies IF I don't have my priorites straight.

I am so excited for Easter this year. God has restored so much back to me and I am so grateful to Him for that. He is an amazing God and a faithful God and a merciful God and without HIM I am useless. HE has given me my giftings and my heart's desires and only in HIM will I find true happiness.

Olivia is at such a fun age right now. She is repeating EVERYTHING. Sometimes that is okay and sometimes it's not such a good thing :( She is talking soo much and putting together sentences left and right. She knows her ABC's, she can count to 13 all by herself, she loves to sing and dance, and she loves her MeeMaw and Pop (my mom and dad)~I am excited because we have 2 easter egg hunts scheduled for this week. One is with her playgroup at the park and then we have one after church on Sunday. This will be the first time she has done a "real" egg hunt. We played around in our house with it last year but she didn't really understand. I got her the cutest Easter basket and she has an adorable Easter dress that I cannot wait to post pictures of!! Here are a couple of her Easter pictures we had done at a friend's studio.

I am on an expressive worship team at church and we are doing 2 dances for our Sunday morning service. One of them is "Sing, Sing, Sing!" by Chris Tomlin who I LOVE and the other is "Who Is This King?" by Pocket Full of Rocks. The 2nd one I had the priviledge of choreographing. Let me just say, that is NOT my favorite thing to do. I am not very confident in my ability to come up with dance moves and I stress out way too much. Thank God I had a great friend, Laura, that has been coming over every week for the past 3 or 4 weeks and helping me!!! She has been a lifesaver!! Thank you Laura!!! We have one more practice on Saturday and hopefully we will be ready. The amazing thing about it is that no matter how prepared or un-prepared we as a dance team feel we are~God always shows up!! His annointing always pulls us through each dance. So even though I am scared to death that someone will not like what I came up with it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me because I don't do it for anyone else~I do it for my GOD! I am on an expressive worship team because I love to dance before the Lord. I can't stand still during praise and worship. I have to move in some way. He has done so much for me~He pulled me out of some BAD situations~He saved me from myself~the least I can do is worship Him with all that I am. I have been given the priviledge of expressive worship. I didn't grow up doing it. I grew up as a preacher's kid in the Presbyterian church. I still love the Presbyterian church and the services. BUT I am in a place in my life now that I know there is more to God than what I thought there was growing up. I have experienced a BIG GOD!! For that reason~my feet have to dance.

So if you think about it~say a prayer for the Deborah Company from Victory Fellowship in Bryant, Arkansas this week. Ask God to protect our bodies and to move through us as we dance on Easter. That the congregation will not see some girls doing a pretty dance but that they will see our amazing heavenly Father IN us as we move.

Jenny

MINE, MINE, MINE

I am so not good at blogging yet!! I think about needing to blog about a million times a day and just don't take the time~I guess when you know you have readers then that helps motivates you~so I am always reading other blogs and adding them to my list to keep up with so I went to do that today and to my surprise I had 2 comments!!! WOW!! I was so excited to see them! Mainly because I have told NOONE about this blog in my "real" life. Mainly because noone really knows what I am feeling about the whole pregnancy issue. They know I want another one~just don't know how long we have been trying. So thank you!! You made my day!!

Today hasn't been great~I woke up with a migraine~I deal with these on a fairly regular basis unfortunately. I panicked a lil because I knew that a friend of mine was bringing her 2 boys over at 12:30 for me to babysit. I quickly got my brother to run to the pharmacy for Imitrex and prayed it would kick in quickly. I might add that I am battling a cold again. It seems I get well for 2 weeks and then it comes back~this has been going on since Christmas!!! So I just didn't feel good at all.

The boys got here and I thought, "Yea~playmates for Olivia!!" WE go to church with this family so Olivia is fairly close to Isaac and Carder andyway so I didn't think too much about having them over. I usually babysit at their house but today it didn't work out that way. Let me just say~BAD IDEA!!! Olivia is not used to having other kiddos playing with her toys. She was not handling it very well. SHe was soo emotional. Cried most of the afternoon over my bed, my kitchen, my doll, my car!! I was sooo tired! She hauled off and hit Carder, who is also 2, in the face with a xylophone stick and I had had it!!! SHe immediately went to her room for "time out" and threw the biggest fit ever! After her 2 minutes in time out I brought her out to apologize to Carder and she said, "I wanna take a nap" So I laid her in our bed and she was out!

She really is a

sweet girl, but not used to sharing her toys. Definately something we will work on. We go to playgroup every week and she does good at other houses so I didn't think anything of it. It opened my eyes for sure~we need to work on it!!

In other news~I haven't done that good with my scripture reading this week. I have a mentor at church and one of the things she has encouraged me to work on is getting back into the Word. It's not that I don't want to do this~I just get busy and then lay down to go to bed and think, "oh no I forgot my reading/quiet time!" I guess I need to set my alarm or something until I get into the habit of it again. I noticed such a difference in my attitude when I am in His Word. God is faithful and merciful and THANK GOODNESS for that!!! He has patience with me even when I have none with myself!

I took 4 hpt this past week~yes FOUR!!! It's not that I had any one reason to think I should I just keep hoping that one will end up positive since I have no dates or anything to go by. I wish I could have a cycle, ovulate, then test 14 days later! OH well~God has another plan~FAITH, FAITH, FAITH!!

Thank you all for your prayers! I appreciate them SOOOO much! More than you even know!!! Also, thank you for taking the time to check out this blog~I am not as eloquent as some or as interesting but this is my life!

This is Olivia as a pig on a recent trip to The Wonder Place~we always have such fun when we go there!

New stuff

So I have decided to start this blog for me. We have been off birth control for 7 months now and nothing. It took 6 weeks with Olivia!! What is going on? I know I am supposed to trust God and wait on His timing and I do. I can't help but wonder if something is wrong though. I know it can take healthy couples up to a year to get pregnant and what is going on is completely normal...or is it? Only 1 cycle since July? That one being in October and only had that one because I was put on Provera to MAKE it happen. Can't be normal can it? Anyway...I needed a place to vent. A safe place. There may be people who will read this...yea!! I hope some do. I know so many people have been through worse. And I have a beautiful girl to watch grow up so why I am not content with that? She is my world. She is hilariously funny right now at 2. She is soo very polite without even being asked. She makes me heart smile. My arms long to hold another one of my very own...

I have been reading Kelly's blog and she is an amazing woman of God. She has caused me to think about so much in my life lately. Just to reflect on where I was with my relationship with God and how I was living my life. Was I preparing my oil and my oil lamp like I should be? Like the parable in Matthew 25. I had to read that for worship practice and that got me thinking. Am I letting myself stay empty and not filling up with the Word and with the things of God so that I CAN be a light for Olivia? Is being at home with her instead of working doing either of us any good if I am not using that time like the Lord has showed me I should? She might as well be in daycare because if I am empty all the time I am doing her no favors. Just a few of the things that I have been pondering on lately...

SO this blog is a place for myself to share...my heart, my hurts, my fears, my family, my life....with you if you want...